More Funny Quotations To Bring Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.”
– Hillary Clinton

“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.”
– Imelda Marcos

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
– Isaac Asimov

“Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad‘s Third Wife Day.”
– Jay Leno

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
– Jerry Seinfield

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
– Jerry Seinfield

“Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.”
– Jerry Seinfield

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
– Joan Rivers

“If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.”
– Joan Rivers

“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
– Joe E. Lewis

“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”
– Joey Adams

“There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.’
– Josh Billings

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
– Katharine Hepburn

“There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.”
– Kevin James

“A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.”
– Kevin Nealon

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
– Lana Turner

“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”
– Laurence J. Peter

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”
– Laurence J. Peter

“All the candy corn that was ever made in 1911.”
– Lewis Black

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.”
– Lily Tomlin

“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?”
– Lily Tomlin

“If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.”
– Logan P. Smith

“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.”
– Luis Bunuel

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
– Mae West

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
– Mae West

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
– Margaret Mead

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
– Mark Twain

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”
– Mark Twain

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