More Funny Quotations To Bring Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“All generalizations are false, including this one.”
– Mark Twain

“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.”
– Mark Twain

“Tragedy is when I cut my finder. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
– Mel Brooks

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes loses hours.”
– Milton Berle

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“My life needs editing.”
– Mort Sahl

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”
– Natalie Wood

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”
– Oliver Herford

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”
– Oscar Levant

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
– Phyllis Diller

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.”
– Phyllis Diller

“Any kid will run any errand for you. If you ask at bedtime.”
– Red Skelton

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”
– Richard Dawkins

“Drawing on my find command of the English language, I said nothing.”
– Robert Benchley

“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”
– Robert Benchley

“Older people shouldn’t eat healthy food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”
– Robert Orben

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade…and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
– Ron White

“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”
– Ronald Reagan

“Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.”
– Ronald Reagan

“One picture is worth 1,000 denials.”
– Ronald Reagan

“O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.”
– Saint Augustine

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