More Funny Quotes And Sayings To Evoke Laughter

by allinspiration.com

Here is another collation of funny quotes and sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.”
– Al Gore

“Television has brought back murder into home – where it belongs.”
– Alfred Hitchcock

“My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.”
– Angie Dickinson

“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”
– Arthur McBride Bloch

“A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.”
– Author Unknown

“A gentleman is man who can play the accordion but doesn’t”
– Author Unknown

“Today is the last day of some of your life.”
– Author Unknown

“Without geography, you’re nowhere.”
– Author Unknown

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
– Author Unknown

“I plan on living forever. So far, so good.”
– Author Unknown

“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.”
– Bette Davis

“I’d luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.”
– Bette Davis

“Men are only as loyal as their options.”
– Bill Maher

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
– Bill Watterson

“If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.”
– Bob Hope

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
– Brooke Shields

“Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they’re home. I’m that way at Saks.”
– Caroline Rhea

“Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.”
– Cathy Guisewite

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz

“All my children inherited perfect pitch.”
– Chevy Chase

“Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.”
– Chevy Chase

“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.”
– Dave Barry

“When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.”
– David Brenner

“I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”
– David Letterman

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
– Demetri Martin

“If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!”
– Demetri Martin

“There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.”
– Dennis Miller

“I rant, therefore I am.”
– Dennis Miller

“Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.”
– Don Marquis

“Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?”
– Don Rickles

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”
– Douglas Adams

“I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.”
– Dylan Moran

“Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.”
– E. B. White

“I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”
– Eddi Izzard

“Never put a sock in a toaster.”
– Eddi Izzard

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