Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh


Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh

Here is a collection of funny quotes from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by for you to read and enjoy.

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln

“An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ”
– Agatha Christie

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.”
– Aimee Mullins

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets”
– Al McGuire

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. ”
Albert Einstein

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
– Albert Einstein

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.”
– Albert Einstein

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
– Albert Einstein

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. ”
– Ambrose Bierce

“A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.”
– Anonymous

“Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.”
– Anonymous

“A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.”
– Anonymous

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant

Forgive me now – tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant

“Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life. ”
– Author Unknown

“Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.”
– Author Unknown

“Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. ”
– Author unknown, as printed in The Hoosier Farmer

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
– Axel Rose

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?”
– Barbra Streisand

“Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
– Benjamin Franklin

“The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods. ”
– Bill Cosby

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”
– Bill Cosby

“Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working with one.”
Bill Gates

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.”
– Bill McGlashen

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
– Bob Hope

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.”
– Carl Gustav Jung

“Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong, disposable. ”
– Cher

“Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good.”
– Cuban Proverb

“If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.”
– Dave Allen

“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”"
– Demetri Martin

“Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.. ”
– Diana Jordan.

“The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.”
– Dwight Morrow

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