More Funny Quotations To Bring Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“Don not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres

“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”
– Ellen DeGeneres

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
– Emo Philips

“I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”
– Emo Philips

“A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Guilt: the gift that keeps you giving.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”
– Fran Lebowitz

“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.”
– Frank Lloyd Wright

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
– Frank Sinatra

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
– Fred Allen

“California is a find place to live – if you happen to be an orange.”
– Fred Allen

“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.’
– George Burns

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
– George Carlin

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
– George Carlin

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
– George Carlin

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
– Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
– Groucho Marx

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
– Groucho Marx

“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”
– Groucho Marx

“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.”
– H. L. Mencken

“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.”
– H. L. Mencken

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”
– Hedy Lamarr

“One man’s folly is another man’s wife.”
– Helen Rowland

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
– Henny Youngman

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
– Henry A. Kissinger

“All men are equal before fish.”
– Herbert Hoover

“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.”
– Hesoid

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