Humorous Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

Here is a collection of humorous quotes and sayings from various authors, celebrities, famous persons, and other sources compiled by allinspiration.com for you to read and enjoy.

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.”
– A. Whitney Brown

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
– Abraham Lincoln

“Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. ”
– Albert Einstein

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
– Albert Einstein

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. ”
– Albert Einstein

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
– Albert Einstein

“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.”
– Aldous Huxley

“The covers of this book are too far apart.”
– Ambrose Bierce

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. ”
– Anne Bancroft

“Irish coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. ”
– Anonymous

“Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder. ”
– Anonymous

“The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger”.”
– Anonymous

“Don’t count your checks before they’re cashed.”
– Anonymous

“Friends are God‘s ways of apologizing for our families.”
– Anonymous

“There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy… like nailing a jelly to a tree for example. ”
– Anonymous

“Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they’ve had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon. ”
– Anonymous

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. ”
– Anonymous

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. ”
– Anonymous

“Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest. ”
– Anonymous

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. ”
– Anonymous

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. ”
– Anonymous

“Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. ”
– Anonymous

“I got a lotta best friends. Some o’ them I don’t even hardly know!”
– Archie Bunker

“America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.”
– Barrymore.

“I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow. ”
– Billy Connolly

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ”
– Bob Hope

“Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. ”
– Bob Hope

“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. ”
– Brendan Francis

“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’”
– Bruce Baum

“Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.”
– Carl Friedrich Gauss

“Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife unless the one is to be sold, and the other to be buried.”
– Charles Caleb Colton

“There are two perfectly good men, one dead and the other unborn. ”
– Chinese Proverb

“Contrary to popular belief, “Damn It” is not God’s last name.”
– Construction wall, Philadelphia

“I tried to think but nothing happened!”
– Curly

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
– Dan Quayle

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6

Follow this site