Humorous Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one. ”
– Rita Rudner

“Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing. ”
– Robert Benchley

“He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.”
– Robert Gronock.

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”
– Robert Orben

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
– Robin Williams

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. ”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest. ”
– Roseanne Barr

“When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ”
– Sacha Guitry

“The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.”
– Salvador Dali

“Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia.”
– Spaceballs

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
– Stephen Wright

“When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.”
– Stephen Wright

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
– Sue Murphy

“Humor is also a way of saying something serious. ”
– T.S. Eliot

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
– Thomas Alva Edison

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
– Thomas Watson

“Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.”
– Tommy Cooper

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ”
– Unknown

“Men should be like Kleenex; soft, strong and disposable. ”
– Unknown

“What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse’. ”
– Unknown

“A gentleman is simply a patient wolf. ”
– Unknown

“Don’t use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.”
– Unknown

“One of the check-out counters had a sign that said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.”
– Unknown

“Two thirds of Americans can’t do fractions. The other half, just don’t care.”
– Unknown

“A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.”
– Unknown

“Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?”
– Unknown

“I knew it! I’m surrounded by assholes!”
– Unknown

“Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!”
– Unknown

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.”
– Unknown

“Calm down. It’s only ones and zeros.”
– Unknown

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