Funny As Hell Sayings And Quotes To Amuse You

by allinspiration.com

“The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind”
– Joseph Stilwell

“One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness”
– Josh Billings

“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?”
– Kin Hubbard

“If at first you don’t succeed, take the tax loss”
– Kirk Kirkpatrick

“We have to stop and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need”
– Lee Iacocca

“In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities”
– Les Claypool

“Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”
– Lewis Grizzard

“The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat”
– Lilly Tomlin

“We have a good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp object sticking out his chest. ”
– Lt R. Travis

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure”
– Mark Twain

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”
– Mark Twain

“Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex and minus reason.”
– Mason Cooley

“If at first you don’t succeed; you are running about average”
– MH Alderson

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake”
– Napoleon Bonaparte

“Don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining”
– Old West quote

“Don’t corner something meaner than you”
– Old West saying

“Roses are red, Violets are blue. I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”
– Oscar Levant

“I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and stare at it for hours. ”
– Oscar Wilde

“Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more”
– Oscar Wilde

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one”
– Oscar Wilde

“Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free. ”
– Patrick Murray

“There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job”
– Peter Drucker

“The most popular labor-saving device is still money”
– Phyllis George

“It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money”
– PJ O’Rourke

“If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style”
– Quentin Crisp

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day”
– Robert Frost

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. ”
– Robert Orben

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
– Robin Williams

“When you’re up to your armpits in alligators, it’s hard to remember to drain the swamp”
– Ronald Reagan

“The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do”
– Roy L. Smith

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