Funny Quotes Or Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

“Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.”
– Mark Twain

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”
– Mark Twain

“As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling.”
– Mary Wortley Montague

“They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.”
– Milton Berle

“A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”"
– Milton Berle

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.”
– Ogden Nash

“I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.”
– Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

“I’m going to memorize your name and throw my head away.”
– Oscar Levant

“Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable, we find it necessary to change it every six months.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.”
– Rita Rudner

“Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.”
– Robert A. Heinlein

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”
– Robert Bloch

“The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.”
– Robert Frost

“A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.”
– Robert Frost

“Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
– Robert McCloskey

“The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.”
– Robert Paul

“Death is nature’s way of saying, your table’s ready.”
– Robin Williams

“When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.”
– Samuel Goldwyn

“I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don’t.”
– Scott Adams

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
– Stephen Wright

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”
– Steve Fergosi

“There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.”
– Steve Martin

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