Some Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes
“A day when taken people get laid and single people get drunk. That awkward moment when valentines day is around the corner, and the only person that loves you is your mom. ”
“Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental! ”
“What did one oar say to the other? “Can I interest you in a little row-mance?”"
“What did the pencil say to the paper? “I dot my i’s on you!” ”
“What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? Hog and kisses! ”
“When you are with the right person, every day is Valentine’s Day! ”
“”Did I tell you about that wonderful beaded dress I almost bought for you ? But then I thought you’ll look great without it, just the same.” “This restaurant’s terrible, but it was the only place offering 50% off on Valentine’s Day dinner, so I had to bring you here.” “I know you don’t eat stuff with faces, that’s why I ordered turkey legs.” “It’s been much better ever since I accepted that my Valentine’s Day dates would never be smart.” “My ex and I came here for our first date. Isn’t that nostalgic ?” “Weren’t you the geekiest person in college ? How did you do a makeover ?” “Oh ! You’re having that ? Excuse me, got to run to the ATM.” “Thank god I listened to my friends, or else I would never have called you back.” ”
“A book never written: “Avoiding Valentine’s Day” by I.M.N. Love.”
“A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!” ”
“A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.” ”
“A Cub Scout found a frog that said, “Kiss me and I will become a beautiful princess.” The boy studied the frog, then put it in his pocket. “Hey,” the frog croaked, “how come you didn’t kiss me?” “I’d rather have a talking frog than a princess any day!”"
“A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The guy’s curiosity gets the better of him and he walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” “But why?” asks the guy. The man replies, “I’m a divorce lawyer.”"
“A heart that loves is always young. ”
“A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives.” The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.” “Really?” “Yes sir. They’re called darts.”"
“A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?” And the lady said, “Pardon?”"
“A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”"
“A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?” You’ll know tonight. he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled: “The meaning of dreams“.”
“After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.” ”
“As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the “perfect Valentine.” I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”"
“Chocolate is nothing more than a substitute for affection is a myth same as chocolate is an aphrodisiac which is actually true. ”
“Dear Alcohol….. Will you be my Valentine?”
“Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! ”
“Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love. ”
“Do you have a date for valentine’s day? Yes, February 14th ”
“First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.” ”
“Four-year-old Sam loved candy almost as much as his mom Sally did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. A few days later Sam was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, “If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?” Oh, yes, he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. “Now I can eat them all.”"
“Friendship is one mind in two bodies.”
“Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”
“Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.” Boy: “Really?” Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!” ”
“Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. ”
“His father‘s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. “David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.” “I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him.” ”
“I can’t wait for valentines day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me. Valentines day is one big scam.”
“I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.”
“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.”
“I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.”
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