More Funny Short Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

“My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.”  
– Rita Rudner

“If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and “righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.”  ”
– Robert Brault

“As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed.  Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.  ”
– Robert Brault

“As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, “You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do.”  ”
– Robert Brault

“There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling.  ”
– Robert Brault

“All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.  ”
– Robert Brault

“A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge.  ”
– Robert Brault

“The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.  ”
– Robert Graves

“Its been a rough day. I got up this morning …. put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.” 
– Rodney Dangerfield

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
– Rodney Dangerfield 

“A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.”
– Ronald Reagan 

“She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand.  ”
– Saul Bellow

“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  ”
– Sir Winston Churchill

“y all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man.”
– Socrates

“If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.  ”
– Song title by Jimmy Buffet

“Hermits have no peer pressure.”
– Steven Wright

“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?  ”
– Steven Wright

“The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  ”
– Tom Waits

“How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on?  ”
– Tom Waits

“If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.”
– Tommy Lasorda 

“He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.  ”
– Torvald Gahlin

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
– Unknown

“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.”
– Unknown

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
– Unknown

“Life’s Tough, get a helmet!”
– Unknown

“A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation”
– Unknown

“It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!”
– Unknown

“I couldn’t fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!”
– Unknown

“Black Holes are where God divided by zero.”
– Unknown

“Money Talks … but all mine ever says is Goodbye!”
– Unknown

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