More Funny Short Sayings To Tickle You

by allinspiration.com

“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”  
– Jay Leno

“We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.”  
– Jeff Marder

“There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.  ”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Ninety percent of the game is half mental.”
– Jim Wohford 

“To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.”  
– Joan Klempner

“Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.”
– Joe Theismann

“If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.  ”
– John Kenneth Galbraith

“The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.”  
– Katharine Whitehorn

“Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.”
– Ken Dodd

“Marriage is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.”
– Lisa Hoffman

“She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.  ”
– Mae West

“Anyone who says businessmen deal in facts, not fiction, has never read old five-year projections.”  
– Malcom Forbes

“The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.”  
– Mark Russell

“To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.”
– Mark Twain

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
– Mark Twain

“It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.  ”
– Mark Twain

“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.  ”
– Nicholas Chamfort

“How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission?  ”
– Nigel Rees

“The shortest distance between two points is under construction.”
– Noelie Altito

“I can resist everything except temptation.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Murphy was an optimist.  ”
– O’Toole’s Commentary

“Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  ”
– P.D. East

“After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  ”
– P.J. O’Rourke

“My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.”
– Paul Getty

“You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.”
– Pearl Williams

“A rich man’s joke is always funny.”
– Proverb

“All generalizations are bad.  ”
– R.H. Grenier

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”
– Rich Cook

“I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.”  
– Richard Diran

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  ”
– Rita Mae Brown

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