Humor Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

“The chicken came first – God would look silly sitting on an egg.”
– Unknown

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
– Unknown

“Today is the last day of some of your life.”
– Unknown

“We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?”
– Unknown

“When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.”
– Unknown

“Who says nothing is impossible.  I’ve been doing nothing for years.”
– Unknown

“Without geography, you’re nowhere.”
– Unknown

“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” 
– Unknown

“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” 
– Unknown

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” 
– Unknown

“If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” 
– Unknown

“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” 
– Unknown

“We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” 
– Unknown

“Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” 
– Unknown

“Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” 
– Unknown

“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” 
– Unknown

“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” 
– Unknown

“How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’”
– Unknown

“Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.”
– Will Rogers

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” 
– Will Rogers

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.”
– Will Rogers

“An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.”
– William Castle

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.”
– William G. McAdoo

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” 
– Wilson Mizner

“Can we actually “know” the universe?  My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.”
– Woody Allen

“The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.”
– Woody Allen

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” 
– Woody Allen

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” 
– Zig Ziglar

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