Humor Quotes And Sayings

by allinspiration.com

“I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.”
– Dave Beard

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.”
– David Letterman

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”
– Dick Cavett

“If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”
– Dick Cavett

“It is generally agreed that “Hello” is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said “Goodbye,” it could confuse a lot of people.”
– Dolph Sharp

“My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.”
– Douglas Adams

“Protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know.  Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t know.  Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about.  Amen.”
– Douglas Adams

“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”
– Douglas Adams

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” 
– Earl Wilson

“I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”
– Elayne Boosler

“If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.”
– Elbert Hubbard

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeners

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” 
– Emo Philips

“A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name.”
– Evan Esar

“The ignorant ever shun and dread the gifted and enlightened.”
– Francis A. Durivage

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.”
– Frank Lloyd Wright

“Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe.  I dispute that.  I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.”
– Frank Zappa

“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”
– Fred Allen

“Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.”
– George Ade

“Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.”
– H.L. Mencken

“Man was predestined to have free will.”
– Hal Lee Luyah

“He’s turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he’s miserable and depressed.”
– Harry Kalas

“You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” 
– Harry S. Truman

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” 
– Isaac Asimov

“A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.”
– Jack Benny

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” 
– Jack Handey

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” 
– Jack Nicholson

“All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.”
– Jane Wagner

“Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.”
– Jason Hutchison

“There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

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