Humor Quotes And Sayings

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Humor Quotes And Sayings


“If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.”
– Jimmy Buffet

“If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.”
– John Kenneth Galbraith

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” 
– José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

“The trouble with people is not that they don’t know but that they know so much that ain’t so.”
– Josh Billings

Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.”
– Langston Hughes

“Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.”
– Langston Hughes

“A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.”
– Laura Ingalls Wilder

“She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.”
– Mae West

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”
Marilyn Monroe

“It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.”
Mark Twain

“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.”
– Mark Twain

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”
– Mark Twain

“If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” 
– Milton Berle

“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.”
– Nicholas Chamfort

“How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission?”
– Nigel Rees

“You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry.  Most people do.”
– Norman Juster

“Murphy was an optimist.”
– O’Toole’s Commentary

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” 
Oscar Wilde

Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.”
– P.D. East

“All generalizations are bad.”
– R.H. Grenier

“A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge.”
– Robert Brault

“All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.”
– Robert Brault

“As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, “You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do.”.”
– Robert Brault

“As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed.  Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.”
– Robert Brault

“If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and “righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.”.” 
– Robert Brault

“There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling.”
– Robert Brault

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” 
– Robert Frost

“The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.”
– Robert Graves

“The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.”
– Salvador Dali

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” 
– Sam Levenson

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