More Witty Sayings And Quotes

by allinspiration.com

“The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.”
– Mark Twain

“Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.”
– Marlene Dietrich

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
– Mel Brooks

“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
– Mike Myers

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”
– Naguib Mahfouz

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”
– Natalie Wood

“If you choose not to decide – you still have made a choice!”
– Neil Peart

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”
– Oscar Wilde

“The first rule to tinkering is to save all the parts.”
– Paul Erlich

“I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.”
– Paul Lynde

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
– Rita Rudner

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
– Rita Rudner

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”
– Robert Benchley

“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”
– Robert Benchley

“Wine is bottled poetry.”
– Robert Louis Stevenson

“Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.”
– Robert Orben

“I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”
– Ronald Reagan

“O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.”
– Saint Augustine

“Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.”
– Samuel Butler

“For your information, I would like to ask a question.”
– Samuel Goldwyn

“My inner child is not wounded.”
– Shannen Doherty

“True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.”
– Socrates

“My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.”
– Spike Milligan

“I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.”
– Stephen King

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
– Steven Wright

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”
– Steven Wright

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