More Funny Quotes And Sayings To Evoke Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“I may be a living legend, but that sure don’t help when I’ve got to change a flat tire.”
– Roy Orbison

“I’m misplaced American, but don’t know where I was misplaced.”
– Ruby Wax

“Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.”
– Samuel Butler

“I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until they’re dead.”
– Samuel Goldwyn

“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
– Spike Milligan

“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”
– Spike Milligan

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”
– Steve Martin

“You can’t have everything…where would you put it?
– Steven Wright

“If I had to live my again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.”
– Tallulah Bankhead

“The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.”
– Tom Waits

“I like marriage. The idea.”
– Toni Morrison

“He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.”
– Torvald Gahlin

“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.”
– Tracey Ullman

“I think serial monogamy says it all.”
– Tracey Ullman

“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.”
– Voltaire

“What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?”
– W. Clement Stone

“I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.”
– Will Rogers

“I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.”
– Will Rogers

“An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.”
– William Castle

“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”
– William Lyon Phelps

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
– Woody Allen

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
– Woody Allen

“If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.”
– Woody Allen

“I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
– Woody Allen

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