More Funny Quotes And Sayings To Evoke Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?”
– Margaret Smith

“Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.”
– Marilyn vos Savant

“If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.”
– Mel Brooks

“I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.”
– Mercedes McCambridge

“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
– Mike Myers

“Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.”
– Milton Berle

“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.”
– Milton Berle

“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means….it’s dirty.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”
– Naguib Mahfouz

“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.”
– Nicholas Chamfort

“How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission?”
– Nigel Rees

“I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.”
– Norman Wisdom

“Never fight an inanimate object.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.”
– P. J. O’Rourke

“I wish I had the nerve not to tip.”
– Paul Lynde

“I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.”
– Paul Lynde

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.”
– Paula Poundstone

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
– Phyliss Diller

“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”
– Richard Lewis

“I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.”
– Richard Lewis

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
– Rita Rudner

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
– Rita Rudner

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”
– Rita Rudner

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
– Rita Rudner

“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”
– Rob Corddry

“Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.”
– Robert Benchley

“Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?”
– Robert Benchley

“If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and “righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.”
– Robert Brault

“Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.”
– Robert Byrne

“If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”
– Robin Williams

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