More Funny Quotes And Sayings To Evoke Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”
– Jay Leno

“I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.”
– Jay London

“My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”
– Jay London

“It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.”
– Jay London

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
– Jerry Seinfield

“The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, the can take anything they want!”
– Jerry Seinfield

“If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.”
– Jimmy Buffet

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
– Jimmy Durante

“The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.”
– Jimmy Fallon

“Never floss with a stranger.”
– Joan Rivers

“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.”
– Joe E. Lewis

“That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.”
– Joe Rogan

“If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.”
– John Kenneth Galbraith

“If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.”
– Johnny Carson

“I was so naïve as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.”
– Johnny Carson

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lost them in time for Christmas.”
– Johnny Carson

“It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.”
– Johnny Vegas

“Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.”
– Josh Billings

“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
– Josh Billings

“There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.”
– Josh Billings

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”
– Laurence J. Peter

“Television changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object.”
– Laurence J. Peter

“Communism is like one big phone company.”
– Lenny Bruce

“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”
– Lenny Bruce

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
– Les Dawson

“There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.”
– Lewis Black

“Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.”
– Lewis Mumford

“People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.”
– Logan P. Smith

“We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.”
– Logan P. Smith

“You see much more of your children once they leave home.”
– Lucille Ball

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