More Funny Quotes And Sayings To Evoke Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“When the sun comes up, I have morals again.”
– Elayne Boosler

“Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?”
– Elayne Boosler

“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.”
– Elayne Boosler

“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”
– Ellen DeGeneres

“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”
– Emo Philips

“Polite conversations is rarely either.”
– Fran Lebowitz

“I’m for whatever gets you through the night.”
– Frank Sinatra

“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”
– Fred Allen

“The first time I sand in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”
– Fred Allen

“I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.”
– Fred Allen

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears darks glasses to avoid being recognized.”
– Fred Allen

“Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.”
– George Ade

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
– George Burns

“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.”
– George Burns

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.”
– George Burns

“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”
– George Carlin

“Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.”
– George Lopez

“Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there only ten of them.”
– H.L. Mencken

“Man was predestined to have free will.”
– Hal Lee Luyah

“He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.”
– Harry Kalas

“If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.”
– Henny Youngman

“Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.”
– Henry A. Kissinger

“If I want to know a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”
– Hillary Clinton

“I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.”
– Howard Nemerov

“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.”
– Jack Benny

“I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.”
– James Brown

“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?”
– James Thurber

“Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.”
– James Thurber

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”
– Jane Wagner

“Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.”
– Jason Hutchison

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5

Follow this site