More Cute Funny Sayings And Quotes

by allinspiration.com

“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
– Calvin Coolidge

“Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. ”
– Carol Burnett

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”
– Casey Stengel

“He would make a lovely corpse.”
– Charles Dickens

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ”
– Charles Schulz

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
– David Letterman

“I rant, therefore I am.”
– Dennis Miller

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
– Erica Jong

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”
– Fran Lebowitz

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”
– Franklin P. Jones

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ”
– Fred Allen

“California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.”
– Fred Allen

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
– Fred Allen

“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
– George Burns

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
– George Carlin

“If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum. ”
– George Muncaster

“You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears.”
– Geri Jewell

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”
– Groucho Marx

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
– Groucho Marx

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
– Groucho Marx

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
– Groucho Marx

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
– Groucho Marx

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”
– H. L. Mencken

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”
– Hedy Lamarr

“Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
– Homer J Simpson

“Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.”
– Homer J Simpson

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ”
– Homer Simpson

“Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal – You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done. Homer Simpson”
– Homer Simpson

“I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.”
– Ilie Nastase

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