Hilarious Sayings And Quotes For Great Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
– W. C. Fields

“A woman drove me to drink – and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.”
– W. C. Fields

“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
– Walter Matthau

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
– Will Rogers

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
– Will Rogers

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.”
– Will Rogers

“The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.”
– Will Rogers

“Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit.”
– Will Smith

“After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”.”
– William S. Burroughs

“Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
– Winston Churchill

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
– Winston Churchill

“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
– Woody Allen

“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
– Woody Allen

“Eternity is really long, especially near the end.”
– Woody Allen

“Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.”
– Woody Allen

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”
– Woody Allen

“I’m afraid of the dark, and suspicious of the light.”
– Woody Allen

“A quick word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said “no”.”
– Woody Allen

“If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”
– Yogi Berra

“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
– Yogi Berra

“The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
– Yogi Berra

“If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”
– Yogi Berra

“Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded.”
– Yogi Berra

“I never said most of the things I said.”
– Yogi Berra

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