Hilarious Sayings And Quotes For Great Laughter

by allinspiration.com

“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”"
– Joan Rivers

“A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.”
– Joey Lauren Adams

“Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be entertained.”
– John Boswell

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”
– John F. Kennedy

“I only do one thing at a time; otherwise, I get confused and then I can’t trick you.”
– Judge Judy

“Beauty fades . . . dumb is forever.”
– Judge Judy

“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”
– Laurence J. Peter

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin

“If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?”
– Lily Tomlin

“Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.”
– Lyndon Johnson

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
– Mae West

“She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.”
– Mae West

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.”
– Mae West

“If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything.”
– Marilyn Monroe

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
– Mark Twain

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

“Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.”
– Mark Twain

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
– Mark Twain

“What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.”
– Mark Twain

“They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.”
– Milton Berle

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.”
– Nicholas Chamfort

“Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.”
– Oliver Goldsmith

“I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.”
– Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”
– Oprah Winfrey

“Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes”
– Oscar Wilde

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”
– Oscar Wilde

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