Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
– Steven Wright

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”
– Sue Murphy

“A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’”
– The Maugles

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.”
– Thomas Paine

“How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-old-lady to yell ‘BINGO!’”
– Unknown

“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong”
– Unknown

“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.”
– Unknown

“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
– Unknown

“Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?”
– Unknown

“Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up”
– Unknown

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”
– Unknown

“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.”
– Unknown

“We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.”
– Unknown

“If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.”
– Unknown

“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
– Unknown

“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”
– Unknown

“Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’”
– Unknown

“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
– Unknown

“Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.”
– Unknown

“The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.”
– Unknown

“Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.”
– Unknown

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
– Unknown

“I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.”
– Unknown

“Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.”
– Unknown

“Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.”
– Unknown

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