Cute Funny Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“Plant and your spouse plants with you; weed and you weed alone.”
– Jean-Jacques Rousseau

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
– Joan Rivers

“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
– Joe E. Lewis

“Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.”
– Joey Adams

“Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor’s vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.”
– Johnny Carson

“There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.”
– Josh Billings

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
– Lana Turner

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
– Larry Wilde

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”
– Laurence J. Peter

“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.”
– Laurence J. Peter

“If I had never met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t love you. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.”
– lbfos

“If so many men, so many minds, certainly so many hearts, so many kinds of love. ”
– Leo Tolstoy

“I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.”
– lie Nastase

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
– Lily Tomlin

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
– Mae West

“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
– Mae West

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
– Margaret Mead

“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.”
– Mark Twain

“All generalizations are false, including this one.”
– Mark Twain

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”
– Mark Twain

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
– Mark Twain

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
– Mel Brooks

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
– Mignon McLaughlin

“Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion.”
– Miguel de Unamuno

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”
– Milton Berle

“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.”
– Milton Berle

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
– Mitch Hedberg

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
– Mitch Hedberg

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