Cute Funny Quotes And Sayings To Make You Laugh

by allinspiration.com

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
– Emo Philips

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
– Erma Bombeck

“A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck

“Dear Crush, don’t be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on Christmas Eve. Sincerely, You Were On My Wish List.”
– Francine

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
– Frank Sinatra

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
– Fred Allen

“Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
– George Burns

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
– George Carlin

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
– George Carlin

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
– George Carlin

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ”
– Groucho Marx

“I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.”
– Groucho Marx

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
– Groucho Marx

“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”
– Groucho Marx

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
– Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
– Groucho Marx

“The longest word in the English language is the one that follows the phrase, ‘And now a word from our sponsor’.”
– Hal Eaton

“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”
– Harry S Truman

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”
– Hedy Lamarr

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
– Henny Youngman

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
– Henry A. Kissinger

“I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love.”
– Henry Ward Beecher

“There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.”
– Homer

“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.”
– Imelda Marcos

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
– Isaac Asimov

“Don’t forget Mother’s Day… or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad‘s Third Wife Day.”
– Jay Leno

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